Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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