you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
