I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
