I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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