I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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