So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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