I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
