I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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