I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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