I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Bring me that man meat
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
