getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
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Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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