I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
