guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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