So drunk its hurt
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
