paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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