Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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