i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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