I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
