I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
