Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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