went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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