i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
