i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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