Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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