I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
