I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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