i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
