Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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