Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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