hotel room ftw
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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