he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
