There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
