I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
