I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
