New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize