either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
