Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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