I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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