Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
