high people should be assigned attendants
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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