I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
