Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
