I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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