i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We have started to decorate penises.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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