I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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