i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
