The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
People in love make me want to vomit
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
