just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
