Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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