I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
