Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Last time i carry you out of a forest
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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