Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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