You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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