i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
