Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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