I think scott just propositioned me for sex
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think my moral compass just broke
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
