I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
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Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
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My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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