happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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