I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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